I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
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So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
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Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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