now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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