On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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