You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
