Apparently you make a good broom.
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
