i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
