mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
