Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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