gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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