How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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