you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
