turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Randomize
