I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
