She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
