We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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