please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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