It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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