Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
