he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
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