i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
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