I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
