Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Randomize
