I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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