I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
