Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Randomize
