theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.