im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
i think im in europe. pls send help
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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