bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I skipped work to stalk him.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
