she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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