Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
