I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
