still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
