using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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