that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
