So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
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