y did u give ur computer a hand job?
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
