Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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