his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
