Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
