Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Randomize
