anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
