take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize
