If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
