I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
