I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
