Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
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