hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize
