I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
i dont even know how to be here
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
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