Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
