We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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