I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
