I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
