You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
