Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
