I can text with my tongue
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
That accounts for only three of the penises
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
