She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
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So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
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"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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