I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
