from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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