Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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