then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
