I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
