I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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